I had to read your review several time as I could not believe what I was reading.
I will address the points you are making:
1-WI-Fi: The cottage,as per description,is in a rural location hence the slower internet speed. For you to state "it simply does not work" is a blatant lie. I have to point out that you are the one and only to have an issue, we have had many guests with teenagers and having teenagers myself I am sure if it "simply did not work" I would have heard as many will agree that teenagers without Wi-Fi is like cutting off their oxygen.
2- mobile coverage: ireland is well know for having poor (by some international standard) mobile coverage. I would suggest you contact the ministry of communication. I along with most of the rest of the population would be grateful.
3-You mentioned that no compensation was offered. Did you request any? AirB&B has very good procedures to assist both hosts and guests. I have not been made of any such requests. Is that why you helped yourself to a €169.00 Le Creuset bottle opener?
4- Mugs: WIthin a few minutes of your arrival,you where on the phone complaining. We organised extra mugs straight away. I would like to point out that there were ample cups available.
5- DIning table: The photographs (official AirB&B) clearly show a round table with 5 tables with 5 chairs around it,and some space. The other chairs are distributed around the cottage. I have myself held a dinner parties at the cottage and 8 of us sat very comfortable around the table.
6- KItchen appliances: Noisy? Falling apart? Are you referring to the 18 month old brand new oven?
7- Cockroches: it would be of great assistance of you could provide a photograph as I have never witnessed such an incident and no other guest have ever mentioned anything of that nature.
8- Kitchen: your description is: "a sad mismatch of home ware" mine is "shabby-chic" you mentioned,during one of your many phone calls (mobile coverage cannot of been that bad) making demands and complaining that you are a food stylist? Actually not a term? Profession? Heard of in ireland really, the same way as a request for a salad 09.00 is not common in ireland. I think you should have booked a high-tech condo in the centre of town.
9- Food processor: Acctually really stuck on that one...there is none in the cottage. You end by saying that your stay was uncomfortable, frustrating, affected, YET you requested extra nights? I am really confused as an AirB&B user myself I would not I would have not requested compensation immediately but MOST certainly would not have booked and stay extra nights.
Unfortunately based on all the above I would not wish for anyone to
have you as a guest in their home and would not welcome you back in mine.